more crap

This morning started bright and early, as I woke up to Jason laying on my legs with his nose buried in my butt at 4am (after going to bed at 1:47am). It really bothers me that he wakes me up to meet “his” needs. After getting woke up, I folded the laundry in the dryer, put the clothes from the wash in the dryer and put another load in to be washed. As I headed downstairs to get a drink, he asks me what my plans are for the day. I told him I didn’t really have any until 6p when it was time for our counseling appt. I told him I might go to town today to print off my pictures at Wal-Mart. He asked who was watching the twins. I told him, my mom. He asked if Jeffrey was coming out after school. I said, “No b/c the twins will be in there.” He said, “oh, ok.” He informed me that he would not go to the counseling appt b/c Jonah would be here by then and he would go to his parents house and eat supper with them and get Jonah. He informed me that he wasn’t going to get up at 4am, work all day, go to the counseling appt that would last til 7:30p and then have to worry about supper and be up til 11p when he was taking Jonah deer hunting in the morning. I didn’t say much. I refuse to force the issue. If he doesn’t have any desire to work on our marriage, then I can’t make him. The counselor had said last time that if he didn’t come then that was my answer as to how much he puts into this marriage. I decide today that I need to write this stuff down. I can’t keep it all in anymore. My stomach is burning on fire today all b/c we had a quarrel this morning. I hate this. Our fight started over him stating that Annie could miss some school if she went deer hunting tomorrow morning. I said, “well, it wasn’t OK for her to miss school when it came to a horse show.” He stopped what he was doing and I could tell that he was getting mad. He stated, “well, decided now what’s it going to be!” I told him that I would cross that bridge when it came time and he said the time is now! So, I said “if Annie wants to go, then I will let her go and miss some school. Then the other side of that is if she wants to go to a horse show, and she has to miss a little school then she can.” He said “alright, but then if she doesn’t go b/c school is too important, then she won’t be allowed to miss for horse shows either!” Which, I said that if Annie chooses not to go deer hunting just b/c she doesn’t want to go… then she should still be allowed to miss school b/c of horse shows. He continued to get madder the more we discussed it and then informed me that he wasn’t going to argue with me that he had better things to do with his time. He also told me that as a kid, if he went deer hunting he was allowed to miss school and he should have set that rule a long time ago. I wanted to inform him that these are my kids and I should get to have a say in what the rules are for them. I didn’t though. I didn’t say anything. I did point out that deer hunting was something he enjoyed… where as the horse is something Annie enjoys. He then started in about if I had paid Bill Mustread yet for this month. I stated “no, b/c I don’t have any money.” He then proceeded to belittle me about my debt at JCPenney’s and how I am unable to make my bills. I told him that I had been in the hospital and had missed work. He said that when money gets tight the first thing to go should be the horse. I am so sick and tired of him always coming up with ways to get rid of the horse. I don’t know what to do. I know she is ok down at Bill’s place, but I want so bad to move her to my parents place and just totally get any control Jason has of the horse out of his hands. I hate that he always throws up to sell the horse. I pointed out to him though that he wasn’t giving up his flying b/c it is something he enjoys. He informed me that the horse didn’t help him go out and get his son! However, when it cost $500 for him to fly out and pick up Jonah… that is way more than what we spend in a month on Dixie. I hate how one sided he is. I keep asking myself if I can really continue to put up with this on a day to day basis. The last couple of days have been really great and we got along really well. Now this morning, we are back to being on each others nerves. I don’t know if it was b/c I wasn’t very nice this morning when he woke me up to take care of his needs or what set him off. I know he does believe that I should roll over and let him do whatever he wants when he wants to do it. His sex drive is out of control. I don’t even want to have sex with him and he wants it 3x in a day… at least! I know our time together is coming to an end. I just don’t know when to do it. I know he would be mad at me for saying that, but I feel that he doesn’t respect me. I am here for his purpose and he sets the rules for the kids and as long as it is something he wants to do or enjoys doing, then money is not an issue. However, if I buy clothes for the kids at JCPenney… then that is bad b/c I could be out at the yardsales. He is so very selfish. We are so opposite in so many ways. I am dreading Jonah being here b/c it has already started… the “I can’t do this or that b/c my son is here.” He gets mad at me for saying that Jonah is the king, however, he treats him as such. The world stops when Jonah is here. Never mind the 5 other beautiful children we have.
Jeffrey came out last noc, first time since the Monopoly game incident. I was proud of him for coming out. Then Jason asked Jeffrey if he wanted to play Monopoly. Jeffrey did say NO! Jeffrey raised his eyebrows and his eyes were huge as he said it. I know he was greatly bothered by Jason’s actions when it came to the Monopoly game. I just don’t want to lose JM again over ‘a man’. It just isn’t worth it. I love my children very much and the older I get, I realize how short life is. I don’t want to waste 1 min of not getting to spend time with my kids b/c of the way my husband acts. I gave JM up when I dated Sam Decker years ago… I will NOT do that again!
Kay was here yesterday and cleaned the house for me. It was so good to be able to sit and talk to her. I really miss her and I enjoy our time together. I hope to take her out for lunch in December.
Well, Annie’s alarm is going off. I had better get moving. I hope I might be able to catch a little nap this am. Jason had to slam the door 2x this morning to make sure everyone in the house knew he was leaving. I hate the childish behavior. Courtney woke up and came downstairs. She has since went to the potty and is now laying in my bed… I am sure fast asleep. Maybe I can get the kids up and moving and then go back and lay down. Jason had to point out when he left about me getting my sleep!
Yesterday, he did not wake me up when he left for work. However, I woke up at 7am to the kids fighting. Which, in turn got both girls up. From there, it was breakfast and Sammy missed the bus, so John ran him to school and I laid down on the couch, briefly. Then Kay got here. I was trying to pick up and help her. The girls became cranky. Just when I was about to leave, they laid down on the couch and went to sleep. So, I finished helping Kay around here, while the girls napped. After nap time the girls got up in better moods, ate a late lunch and then we booked it into the yearbook meeting. I got home, fixed tacos for supper. Jason picked up some groceries and some stuff from Farm King that he wanted. He came home and supper was ready and he was messing around out in the garage. I went out to tell him that supper was ready and he informed me that he had to fill up the cars with gas. I said, well, Im just letting you know. I don’t think it is fair to make the kids wait til he gets in here if he is out tinkering around. He knew I was fixing supper. As he comes in and eats, he then gets up and goes off to do whatever other chore he has. He did stop long enough to watch some video that JM wanted to show him. I cleaned up some of the supper mess and did the dishes. After JM left, I sat down at the computer but became extremely tired. I asked Annie and Sammy to help keep an eye on the girls. Annie was impatient for me to check her homework, but I told them I just needed to lay down for a little bit. Jason came through the kitchen and asked if he was suppose to clean up the supper mess and I said no, I would get it pretty soon. He then has to make some remark about how tiring the yearbook meeting must have been. Once again, another dig at me… like all I did all day was go to the yearbook meeting. I have zero value in his eyes. No wonder all I want to do is sleep all the time. He then must have taken his computer and went to the bathroom. He informed me that he was going to take a shower and go to bed b/c he had to work in the morning. So, after laying on the couch for a few minutes, I got up, cleaned the table off, put everything away, took the girls up to bathe them, asked Annie to fold towels for me, got Sammy some Benadryl and rotated some laundry. Once the girls were bathed, I took them to their room, lotioned them and had to fight with Annie b/c she asked me for the 100th time if I had checked her homework. At this time, Jason was still in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. I wanted to make sure he heard me about how I was one person and I didn’t have any help and I would have to get to her homework once I got the girls settled in for the noc. It really irritates me that he sits in the bathroom for at least an hour or more and then had to shower, which was another half-hour before he is able to do anything. After the girls were dressed for bed, I sent Cadie downstairs… which, just as I get Courtney done, Cadie tells me that she has peed! So, there is another mess to clean up! I get Cadie cleaned up and the girls settled in watching a movie with Sammy and then start in on checking Annie’s homework. Annie and I had to fight over a couple of problems that she had gotten wrong. It irritates me that she can’t listen to me when I am trying to help her with her homework. Finally, after Annie’s homework is done and Courtney had fallen asleep next to Jason and Cadie was ready to go to sleep… I moved them to their room. Sammy was in bed, Annie was in bed… and I had a few minutes to myself. I ate some ice cream, checked my email, chatted with an old friend and just as I was getting ready to go to bed myself, Jason woke up.