more crap

This morning started bright and early, as I woke up to Jason laying on my legs with his nose buried in my butt at 4am (after going to bed at 1:47am). It really bothers me that he wakes me up to meet “his” needs. After getting woke up, I folded the laundry in the dryer, put the clothes from the wash in the dryer and put another load in to be washed. As I headed downstairs to get a drink, he asks me what my plans are for the day. I told him I didn’t really have any until 6p when it was time for our counseling appt. I told him I might go to town today to print off my pictures at Wal-Mart. He asked who was watching the twins. I told him, my mom. He asked if Jeffrey was coming out after school. I said, “No b/c the twins will be in there.” He said, “oh, ok.” He informed me that he would not go to the counseling appt b/c Jonah would be here by then and he would go to his parents house and eat supper with them and get Jonah. He informed me that he wasn’t going to get up at 4am, work all day, go to the counseling appt that would last til 7:30p and then have to worry about supper and be up til 11p when he was taking Jonah deer hunting in the morning. I didn’t say much. I refuse to force the issue. If he doesn’t have any desire to work on our marriage, then I can’t make him. The counselor had said last time that if he didn’t come then that was my answer as to how much he puts into this marriage. I decide today that I need to write this stuff down. I can’t keep it all in anymore. My stomach is burning on fire today all b/c we had a quarrel this morning. I hate this. Our fight started over him stating that Annie could miss some school if she went deer hunting tomorrow morning. I said, “well, it wasn’t OK for her to miss school when it came to a horse show.” He stopped what he was doing and I could tell that he was getting mad. He stated, “well, decided now what’s it going to be!” I told him that I would cross that bridge when it came time and he said the time is now! So, I said “if Annie wants to go, then I will let her go and miss some school. Then the other side of that is if she wants to go to a horse show, and she has to miss a little school then she can.” He said “alright, but then if she doesn’t go b/c school is too important, then she won’t be allowed to miss for horse shows either!” Which, I said that if Annie chooses not to go deer hunting just b/c she doesn’t want to go… then she should still be allowed to miss school b/c of horse shows. He continued to get madder the more we discussed it and then informed me that he wasn’t going to argue with me that he had better things to do with his time. He also told me that as a kid, if he went deer hunting he was allowed to miss school and he should have set that rule a long time ago. I wanted to inform him that these are my kids and I should get to have a say in what the rules are for them. I didn’t though. I didn’t say anything. I did point out that deer hunting was something he enjoyed… where as the horse is something Annie enjoys. He then started in about if I had paid Bill Mustread yet for this month. I stated “no, b/c I don’t have any money.” He then proceeded to belittle me about my debt at JCPenney’s and how I am unable to make my bills. I told him that I had been in the hospital and had missed work. He said that when money gets tight the first thing to go should be the horse. I am so sick and tired of him always coming up with ways to get rid of the horse. I don’t know what to do. I know she is ok down at Bill’s place, but I want so bad to move her to my parents place and just totally get any control Jason has of the horse out of his hands. I hate that he always throws up to sell the horse. I pointed out to him though that he wasn’t giving up his flying b/c it is something he enjoys. He informed me that the horse didn’t help him go out and get his son! However, when it cost $500 for him to fly out and pick up Jonah… that is way more than what we spend in a month on Dixie. I hate how one sided he is. I keep asking myself if I can really continue to put up with this on a day to day basis. The last couple of days have been really great and we got along really well. Now this morning, we are back to being on each others nerves. I don’t know if it was b/c I wasn’t very nice this morning when he woke me up to take care of his needs or what set him off. I know he does believe that I should roll over and let him do whatever he wants when he wants to do it. His sex drive is out of control. I don’t even want to have sex with him and he wants it 3x in a day… at least! I know our time together is coming to an end. I just don’t know when to do it. I know he would be mad at me for saying that, but I feel that he doesn’t respect me. I am here for his purpose and he sets the rules for the kids and as long as it is something he wants to do or enjoys doing, then money is not an issue. However, if I buy clothes for the kids at JCPenney… then that is bad b/c I could be out at the yardsales. He is so very selfish. We are so opposite in so many ways. I am dreading Jonah being here b/c it has already started… the “I can’t do this or that b/c my son is here.” He gets mad at me for saying that Jonah is the king, however, he treats him as such. The world stops when Jonah is here. Never mind the 5 other beautiful children we have.
Jeffrey came out last noc, first time since the Monopoly game incident. I was proud of him for coming out. Then Jason asked Jeffrey if he wanted to play Monopoly. Jeffrey did say NO! Jeffrey raised his eyebrows and his eyes were huge as he said it. I know he was greatly bothered by Jason’s actions when it came to the Monopoly game. I just don’t want to lose JM again over ‘a man’. It just isn’t worth it. I love my children very much and the older I get, I realize how short life is. I don’t want to waste 1 min of not getting to spend time with my kids b/c of the way my husband acts. I gave JM up when I dated Sam Decker years ago… I will NOT do that again!
Kay was here yesterday and cleaned the house for me. It was so good to be able to sit and talk to her. I really miss her and I enjoy our time together. I hope to take her out for lunch in December.
Well, Annie’s alarm is going off. I had better get moving. I hope I might be able to catch a little nap this am. Jason had to slam the door 2x this morning to make sure everyone in the house knew he was leaving. I hate the childish behavior. Courtney woke up and came downstairs. She has since went to the potty and is now laying in my bed… I am sure fast asleep. Maybe I can get the kids up and moving and then go back and lay down. Jason had to point out when he left about me getting my sleep!
Yesterday, he did not wake me up when he left for work. However, I woke up at 7am to the kids fighting. Which, in turn got both girls up. From there, it was breakfast and Sammy missed the bus, so John ran him to school and I laid down on the couch, briefly. Then Kay got here. I was trying to pick up and help her. The girls became cranky. Just when I was about to leave, they laid down on the couch and went to sleep. So, I finished helping Kay around here, while the girls napped. After nap time the girls got up in better moods, ate a late lunch and then we booked it into the yearbook meeting. I got home, fixed tacos for supper. Jason picked up some groceries and some stuff from Farm King that he wanted. He came home and supper was ready and he was messing around out in the garage. I went out to tell him that supper was ready and he informed me that he had to fill up the cars with gas. I said, well, Im just letting you know. I don’t think it is fair to make the kids wait til he gets in here if he is out tinkering around. He knew I was fixing supper. As he comes in and eats, he then gets up and goes off to do whatever other chore he has. He did stop long enough to watch some video that JM wanted to show him. I cleaned up some of the supper mess and did the dishes. After JM left, I sat down at the computer but became extremely tired. I asked Annie and Sammy to help keep an eye on the girls. Annie was impatient for me to check her homework, but I told them I just needed to lay down for a little bit. Jason came through the kitchen and asked if he was suppose to clean up the supper mess and I said no, I would get it pretty soon. He then has to make some remark about how tiring the yearbook meeting must have been. Once again, another dig at me… like all I did all day was go to the yearbook meeting. I have zero value in his eyes. No wonder all I want to do is sleep all the time. He then must have taken his computer and went to the bathroom. He informed me that he was going to take a shower and go to bed b/c he had to work in the morning. So, after laying on the couch for a few minutes, I got up, cleaned the table off, put everything away, took the girls up to bathe them, asked Annie to fold towels for me, got Sammy some Benadryl and rotated some laundry. Once the girls were bathed, I took them to their room, lotioned them and had to fight with Annie b/c she asked me for the 100th time if I had checked her homework. At this time, Jason was still in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. I wanted to make sure he heard me about how I was one person and I didn’t have any help and I would have to get to her homework once I got the girls settled in for the noc. It really irritates me that he sits in the bathroom for at least an hour or more and then had to shower, which was another half-hour before he is able to do anything. After the girls were dressed for bed, I sent Cadie downstairs… which, just as I get Courtney done, Cadie tells me that she has peed! So, there is another mess to clean up! I get Cadie cleaned up and the girls settled in watching a movie with Sammy and then start in on checking Annie’s homework. Annie and I had to fight over a couple of problems that she had gotten wrong. It irritates me that she can’t listen to me when I am trying to help her with her homework. Finally, after Annie’s homework is done and Courtney had fallen asleep next to Jason and Cadie was ready to go to sleep… I moved them to their room. Sammy was in bed, Annie was in bed… and I had a few minutes to myself. I ate some ice cream, checked my email, chatted with an old friend and just as I was getting ready to go to bed myself, Jason woke up.

The rest of the week....

Tuesday morning, Jason had to be at work bright and early.
Cadie gets up, drinks some juice and had a 1/4 of piece of toast or so and puked all over the couch. yuck!

I clean that mess up, clean up Cadie, and manage to get Courtney fed and cleaned up as well.
I thought I would let Cadie's stomach rest. Maybe it was a fluke she puked.
As the morning continued, she clearly wasn't any better.
I called the doctors office. I made her appt for the next day. I wanted to wait the day out... in case she made a big recovery later on..

She never did though. She did manage to continue to try to eat and each time she ate or drank... she puked. Daddy thought she could have some M&Ms. That wasn't pretty when those came back up!

We went through 3 pjs just before making it to bed! Finally, she was settled enough, we were able to put her to bed.

Wednesday morning, I loaded up Cadie and Courtney and met Jason in town and we went to the doctor. Cadie wouldn't walk. She wouldn't do anything except lay on my lap! She was so pityful!

Cadie is in the hospital...

Early Saturday, March 7th, Cadie gets admitted to the Med/Surg floor. We are in Rm 169. She has IV fluids hanging, we are exhausted. She isn't peeing, did not have anymore stools, and isn't allowed anything by mouth. She can have tylenol suppositories for the low grade fever she seems to be running.

Saturday was a long day. My parents went to Methodist to visit JM. I called him during evening visiting hours and talked to him. He seemed ok.

Cadie finally had a wet diaper late in the day. We were happy about that. Must mean that she was getting rehydrated. Daddy took the noc off work and so did I. Cadie clung to us. One of us was always holding her, and the other was up moving around to get things for the parent who was tied down.

Thankfully, Jason's parents were on hand to take care of Courtney. Bless them for becoming 24hr parents while we were in the hospital with Cadie. Courtney had a fluke temp of 102 on Saturday, but she had some Motrin and never had another temp or acted sick at all.

Cadie on the other hand, we started to advance her diet to clear liquids and she puked everything back up again. This resulted us staying longer in the hospital. She still hadn't pooped after her initial pooping in ER and so was given another suppository. That got things moving and she had pure liquid then! Once we did the 2nd suppository, poor miss Cadie has done nothing but have diarrhea.

Kay, Aunt Cindy, Grandparents and Courtney all visited on Sunday. Poor Cadie spent her time laying on the couch. She was so so sick.

Finally, late Sunday I tried a popsicle. She did tolerate that pretty well.
Monday morning, when Doc came in... we were ready to leave. I had all the confidence in the world we were ready to go home.

We left, got home, Cadie walked in the door and Courtney greeted her with a big hug! It was so cute and something I wish I had on video!

Once we got settled in... Jason and I had to get ready for a meeting with JMs counselor at Methodist. Jason, me, my parents, and Jeff (Jeffrey's dad) were all in attendence at the meeting. We don't know an estimate of when he is going to be released, but they had very positive things to say about JM. I was glad to hear that. I find JM to be a delight and he is such a good kid. I hope he learns some better coping skills. I will also work harder at getting him more involved out here.

My mom made a comment about Jeff and I should have just let them assume she was the guardian. Neither Jeff nor I want to do that. I absolutely do not want to be left out of the loop when it comes to what is going on with JM and I do believe my mother would do that.

If there was some way to get him to move here... I would do that in a second!
Though, I know my parents love him, but often times they don't interact with JM. I asked JM if he would like to ride the bus to my house and come out at least 2 days a week. He said he would and we will start that immediately once he is released.

After our meeting, mom, dad and Jeff headed back to Canton. Jason and I went to eat at Olive Garden (that is 2x in less than 1 week)! We met up with my friend Jeri Ainsworth and her boyfriend Dusty Cape. Jeri and I visited with JM for his hour of visiting time and we had a blast. JM has the greatest sense of humor and Jeri is a gullible sucker! LOL
I loved it! I think JM was very happy over our visit as well.

Jason and I get home, releave his mom from watching the kids, and get the twins in bed.
What a day!

I could just cry...

So, it has been rather hectic around my house lately.
Jason's birthday was Monday March 2nd. We had a speghetti supper with his parents, and I baked him a cake. Normally, I don't bake, so this was a big occasion for me. I also had been in town most of the day. I had met my friend Stephanie for lunch and then I took the girls and went grocery shopping. I think I am nuts when I do this by myself... but I didn't have a choice that day. So, I get home, start supper. Hubby comes home from work, gets cleaned up, eats supper and I clean up (i.e. do dishes...) and frost the cake and decorate it! I placed 32 candles on it! It looked like it was going to go up in flames! LOL It is funny to me when I do it to him, I would have a fit if he did it to me! LOL
So, after cake and ice cream (store bought, not the homemade kind)... the girls needed baths. I took the girls up and bathed them, Jason's parents cleaned the kitchen up (i.e. more dishes and wiped up the floor). Of course, then it was time to get kids in bed to be prepared for the next day.

Tuesday was pretty uneventful.

Wednesday, however was very eventful. Wednesday, my oldest child turned 16. I did manage to not cry all day... but it was hard. I called my parents that morning and sung happy birthday to JM. Then I decided since I had to go to town to meet up with my cousin's wife, Jill. I would order JM a candy bar bouquet from Canton Forist. These are the coolest things I have ever seen. It is a bunch of candy all made into a bouquet. How much better can you get? Anyway, I got it ordered and sent to the school for JMs birthday. I met with Jill at Pizza Hut and ate lunch with her, and a couple of her friends and their children. It was a great time and I really enjoyed getting out and meeting new people. After lunch, my girls went to Jill's to play and they had a fantastic day! Im so glad. Jill is going to start watching the girls for me so I can work or get some sleep when I work. Anyway, we will see how it goes to know how much she will be watching them. Right now, I am down to every other weekend... but we will just have to see what is in store for me.
It is nice to have a place for the girls to go that they are happy. That makes me very happy. They had a great time with Jill and I can't imagine someone better to watch the girls for me.

While the girls were in Canton at Jill's. I ran to Cuba for a mtg at the school with Sammy's speech teacher. He is making progress, but still has to work on his 'r' sounds. He is eligible for speech for another year and we will reevaluate then to see if he needs to continue on in speech. Once done with the meeting and I make it back to Canton to get the girls and head home b/c we are going out to dinner... the kids are getting out of school, I picked up Annie and Sammy at my parents house and JM says he doesn't want to go out to eat. I thought he might change his mind... so I didn't push the issue. I left... went home and after talking to Jason, we decide we are going to go out. Just us... no kids! My parents had called to say JM was not going to go out. He wouldn't even talk to me on the phone. So, we didn't figure there was any point in making him. Jason and I said ok, and we went on to Peoria. We had just walked in the door of Sam's Club and we get a phone call from my mom wondering where we were at. I told her. To which she responded with... "you don't help me then!" so she finally explains what is going on. They were driving back from Canton (they had went out to eat anyway too) and JM had called them and told him he had taken a bunch of tylenol. He estimated he took about 50 pills. OMG!
My parents get to him, rush him to ER. I called his dad and told his dad he was in ER. Jason and I got to ER. We all waited to find out exactly what was going to be the next step... of course JMs acetaminophen levels were high. They gave him mucomyst to counter act the effects of the tylenol. We were at the hospital til 1am or so.

The next day, Jason and I got around, went to town to see JM and I had a doctor's appt myself. I wanted to have a general physical done since it has been several years since I have had one done. Everything looked really good except my urine has urates in it (crystals that can make kidney stones) and my GFR is about 96 (normal is 107). So, not too terrible. My cholesterol and liver enzymes were all normal. I am so glad for that. My glucose was right on the border to be high. Im glad it wasn't, but as time goes by, it wouldn't surprise me if my blood sugar does run high. We have a long family history of diabetes.
Jason took the twins and Sammy to see JM. Sammy was out of school for the day b/c of having a fever and sore throat. I walked from the clinic to GHA and had my blood work drawn along with peeing in a cup. Then I went up to see JM. He didn't have much to say and all he wanted to do was sleep. He was a trooper when it came to taking the mucomyst. that is the worst smelling stuff! YUCK!

After visiting, heading home, and making plans to come back again... JMs dad covered the evening shift and I came in about 1230 and stayed the noc.

Friday, they transferred JM to Methodist Medical Center. He now became an inpatient on their psychiatric ward. JMs dad, me, my mom, my aunt Cindy and JM all went over to Peoria. JM seemed very stoic about being there. He seemed ok with it all. They seem to have a great program there and I am really hoping they will help JM work through some of his problems and learn some coping skills.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done to leave my child there. I cried. It was hard NOT to cry. I still see him as my baby. He will always be my baby. I just have such a hard time letting him grow up. Guess I need to work on that. I think this will be a great experience for him. I am hoping it will change things from this day forward.

I get home from Peoria Friday evening, walk in the door... the girls are eating supper. I go in the living room with them and Cadie pukes all over me! Cadie hadn't pooped in 5 days. I thought maybe the lack of pooping caused her to throw up. However, when I couldn't get her to stop throwing up, I became worried I was dealing with more than just her not pooping. After many conversations with Jason, he came home from work early and we took her to ER.

They did a KUB, straight cath for a urine, started an IV but got the blood for the lab when they got the IV going and then hooked up fluids and gave her Phenergan. She also had to have a suppository b/c of not pooping. The suppository worked well and she pooped out a tennis ball size impaction. Poor girl. Having to go through so much stuff. However, she was pretty sick as she didn't even hardly move when they started the IV. Thankfully, Kari Pugh, RN got it in on the first stick. Yeah. Even Cadie said "Thank you, Kari"! it was very cute!

Cadie got admitted to the med/surg/peds floor. I will continue with this story on another post... it is its own post! LOL

Trying a new thing...

In this day and age, we seem to try new things all the time.

So... Im joining in. Im trying something new.
Annie has been in counseling now for 4 or 5 sessions. The first session, I mistakenly took the twins and they ran all over the church and I wasn't able to contain them. It was hard to talk to the counselor when the twins were running everywhere and I had to continuely break conversation to deal with the twins.

This whole counseling thing came about b/c Annie has to be tested for learning disabilities. She struggles in school. She does not read on a 5th grade level. She does not write on a 5th grade level. My grandma tutors Annie every day after school. So, we tried to get the testing that Annie needs done through the EAP from my employer. Didn't happen. Instead they set her up with a counselor. I wasn't opposed to the idea and so I went along with it.

The 2nd meeting Annie had, I dropped her off. When I went back to get her, the counselor wanted to talk to me. However, I had left Sammy and the twins in the van for the 2 seconds it was going to take for me to let Annie know I was there and waiting for her.

The 3rd visit, I had spoken to my parents about not being able to talk to the counselor about Annie, so they have agreed to watch the twins so Annie and I can both learn from this counseling experience. We discussed dos and don'ts of blended families. I got one basic goal out of this... JC has to discipline his own child, and I do the discipline for my children. Sounds kind of odd, but we are going to try it.
JC is very authoritarian. I am very Lazifair. This doesn't mean the kids dont have to listen to the other parent, just that the other parent isn't going to make the punishment or discipline call. This was really hard for JC at first. It went against everything he had been taught.

The 4th visit, went much better... I am to look for a book about Love and Logic... when kids leave you speechless. It promotes NO yelling. I am going to try it. I will see how we do.
Basic principle is that you simply say to your child "I love you too much to argue with you"

I am on a quest to find this book... so I can learn more and hopefully become a better parent!

The history behind us...

How it all began...

I had 3 children when I met Jason. Jason had 1 child. We dated for about 2 months before deciding to live together. I was working and in school at the same time. Jason worked a full time job. My oldest child and his child both spent most of their time away from here. We had been dating for 8mo when Jason proposed. About 2 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Not only did I find out I was pregnant...but found out it was twins.
So, now we have Yours, Mine and Twins.
We were married in June 2006 and we are still learning how to come together as a family.

My plan for today is to go get pictures taken of the twins. Since we happen to have Jonah here, I decided I would plan a family picture just for the fun of it. My best friend is going with me and she is bringing her 2 little girls and we are going to get a picture with all of them. Should be lots of fun and I am glad she is there to share in the chaos with me.

My day started at 2am today. Last night, Cadie would not sleep in her crib. I was tired and just wanted her to go to sleep, so I put her in the middle between Jason and I. Jonah was also awake and coughing, so I got back up and gave him medicine before returning to sleep. I slept from 10p something til 2am. At 2am, I folded the clothes from the dryer, placed clothes from washer in dryer, put more clothes in washer and started them both going. I came downstairs to make me a glass of tea. My throat has been hurting for the past 3 or 4 days. Im sure I have the virus that has taken over this house. My computer is my lifeline. I use it a lot. Maybe more than I should... but it helps me keep my sanity. So, as I sit reading my email, I hear Jason's alarm go off. Then I hear it again... and again. Finally, he stumbles downstairs. He is not a dayshift person at all. An argument immediately ensues. Im on the computer and his coffee mug isn't washed. I had about 6 dishes that never got washed last night bc as I was washing dishes, him and his mom took the twins upstairs to bathe them. Jason doesn't bathe the twins. He has a bad knee and it is hard for him to bend his knee to give the girls a bath. So, I stop doing dishes, head upstairs and Jason and his mom are getting them started in the bath. I pick up the 2 or 3 piles of clothes on the floor (Sammy and Jonah apparently can't put their clothes in the dirty clothes hamper)... I expect to pick up the twins stuff. Though, maybe I should work on training them now...

I get the girls bathed. I take them to our room to lotion them and dress them. Once dressed they decide they need one last trip downstairs. I quickly divert them to their room. We have placed a rocking chair in their room for those late nights when a baby cries and you need to rock them. The girls wanted rocked. So, we did that. Big sister Annie got them pacifiers. We were set. I rocked them until I thought they would lay down. Not Cadie. Oh NO! She was not going down. She screamed, we rocked more, Courtney screamed... wasn't fair to rock Cadie and not her. I ended up putting them both in my bed and trying to lay down. Jonah was up coughing. I had to give him medicine, while doing this "the boss" shows up.. Annie. With her words of wisdom! I quickly sent her back to bed, and Jonah back to bed once medicine was taken. By this time the twins are running down the hall. I had had enough! I tried one last attempt at the girls going to sleep in my bed without luck. Courtney went back to her bed, Cadie stayed in ours. At 2am, I tried to move her then. No luck. I gave up. She had the bed.

See how you can forget all about dishes? So, back to 4am this morning... Jason procedes to tell me I spend too much time on the computer and how bills don't get paid, clutter piles up, and then I have a housekeeper come and clean up after me. He complains bc he has to pay for everything. Which, I am working very little right now bc he is working 6 days a week. I listened to how he has a cold bc I didn't have his laundry done and he had to wear a sleeveless t-shirt with a denium shirt over it. Nevermind the day he got up and flew to Chicago to eat lunch with his sister after only having 2 or 3 hrs of sleep (he worked the night before) and didn't get back in time before he had to go directly to work from the airport. No, going without sleep won't weaken an immune system.
I love having arguments at 4am.
To seal the deal, when he left... he slammed the door so hard the entire house shook. Im thankful the kids sleep hard enough it didn't wake them. I am sure that was his ultimate goal. Now it is 7am, I have 2 kids on the bus going to school, one kid in bed sleeping and the twins still sleeping. I think I will nap this morning before the day really starts!
Something Jason completely hates that I do. No sleeping, No computer, NO playtime til all work is done.
My theory... heck with it... it will be there tomorrow..

something new...

So, orginally, this was going to be where I got to talk about work stuff. Well, Im not going to do that. There are too many laws out there and though I changed names and protected identies every way possible.. I still lived with a horrible fear of someone figuring out the method to my madness and know who I was talking about.

So, I have erased the posts I did before... about work stuff.
I am now just going to focus on my blended family.

As I have experienced, a blended family is very hard and I have searched and searched for answers and haven't found enough. So, now I am writing my own answers... or questions or something inbetween...